The Emperor's New Clothes
by tectrices
Summary: //Rayne// In the "Suitor"-verse. Simon can be oblivious, but what happens when he's the only one who really sees what's going on? His sister deserves better, and he intends to see that she gets it.
1. Picking at Threads

**Title:** The Emperor's New Clothes  
**Author:** ILB (or an ardent rain)  
**Chapter:** Picking at Threads (1/?)  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own.  
**Rating:** an overall PG-13  
**Pairing:** Rayne  
**Set:** post-BDM, in the "Suitor"-verse  
**Summary: **River and Jayne are together and have been successfully keeping that from the rest of the crew. What happens when Simon, usually the least likely to notice, is the only one who sees what's really going on?

This follows "The Reluctant Suitor" and "An Undisclosed Courtship", but is completely stand-alone.

**-A/N:** Yup, I'm starting another one. Naughty, I know. Heh heh. I still plan to finish my other fics, but this idea-bug bit me and wouldn't let go. I like this chapter a lot, and I've already started on the next. There'll be a one-shot (Simon and Kaylee's wedding) that takes place between "Courtship" and this story, but I only have about a sixth of it written. Anyway, enjoy everyone!

_**One:** Picking at Threads_

* * *

Simon knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself. She had the loveliest mouth he'd ever seen in his life, and he found it nearly impossible to drag his eyes away.

"Simon? Ya listenin' honey? Look like somethin' has your brain whirlin'."

Oh, she was beautiful when he was being inattentive. "Wha… I'm sorry, Kaylee, you're right; it seems I let my thoughts run off with my ears. What did you say?"

She grinned at him and gave his cheek a soft pat. "It don't matter none, bao bei. I was just goin' on about what happened when I was watchin' Bonny. She's just the little spittin' image o' Zoe, and the cutest thing I ever seen." She sighed melodramatically and let her eyes flicker between his and the floor. "Almost makes me wish we had a few more babies on the ship."

He laughed. "You know, River said the same thing to me a few days ago. I had no idea you two liked children so much."

"Simon…" She crossed her arms over her chest and sighed.

"What is it?" He was genuinely confused; he didn't think he'd said anything to upset her. "Did I…"

"No, ain't nothin' you did, Simon. I'm gonna go back to the engine room – make sure my girl's doin' all right. Y'know, I care 'bout _Serenity_ almost like she was my own kin, almost like I'm sorta her _mother_."

Simon smiled warmly. "No one would argue with you there, Kaylee. Your mechanical genius is something we all rely on – and we all appreciate it. Very much." He leaned over and gave her cheek a quick, soft kiss, hoping to assuage any insecurities she might have been having about how much she was valued. They couldn't fly without her and he resolved to let no one forget it.

But instead of returning the gesture, Kaylee just rolled her eyes and said, "G'bye, Simon. I'll see you at dinner, okay darlin'?"

"O-okay, Kaylee." He watched her walk off, still unsure why she seemed displeased.

"You're a boob, Simon."

"River?" He whirled around to see his sister standing there with an exasperated look, her arms crossed, something wadded up in one hand. "Oh… hello mei mei." He looked back in the direction Kaylee had gone. "I… " With a frown, he switched his gaze back to River. "I don't understand. What did I do?"

"Your Kaylee-shine wants a whelp. Time for the Simon-flower to pollinate."

His eyes widened and his arms came up, hands flailing. "Is Kaylee… B-but she can't be pregnant, I'm her doctor, I would _know_."

"No, not pregnant yet. But wants to be. You are the only one who does not know – and you have assiduously ignored all hinting."

Well that wasn't exactly _fair_ – he hadn't even known they'd been hinting, and if Kaylee wanted to start having children all she had to do was say so.

He started to respond, but just then Jayne came tromping towards them. "Hey River! I – " He stopped short when he saw Simon and the neutral expression he'd been wearing faded into something much angrier. "You," he said, pointing towards the doctor. "You keep Crazy here away from me 'n all my things. Gorram girl took m'damn hat again." He glared. "And she probably got my bunk all… infested. Y'know – with her crazy germs."

"Jayne…" Simon let out a breath, not up to dealing with the mercenary's mad notions. He shook his head and turned to River. "You really shouldn't antagonize him, you know." Simon didn't really like Jayne, but the large man had proven his usefulness time and again – and they were crew. Family. Jayne was rather like the large, slightly dim-witted cousin one picked on but couldn't really hate.

"Ape-man should make an effort to be a less appealing target." River grinned at her brother then stuck her tongue out at Jayne.

"Hey," he said defensively, "ain't my fault I's all appealin' to you. You jus' watch yourself, girl. I ain't in any sorta mood to deal with your craziness."

"Are you ever in a mood to deal with her, Jayne?"

That earned Simon his own glare. "You watch it, too, Doc." He crossed his arms and stood up straighter, trying his best to increase his already enormous intimidation factor.

And it worked. Simon cleared his throat. "River… Did you, in fact, steal Jayne's hat?"

She grinned, wearing the bright orange hat with obvious glee. "No."

"Why you… Gorramit, girl, you give that back!"

"Catch me!" River said with a laugh, pushing past her brother and scampering off.

Jayne was wearing a wide grin, his annoyance from only a second earlier apparently forgotten. "You best run fast, little girl," he called, giving chase. "I aim to swipe it right off your little feng le head."

"That was… interesting," Simon muttered to himself, deciding to go to the infirmary and take another inventory – there didn't seem to be anything else to do for the time being. His sister certainly could be a brat. But… something about the exchange struck him as odd, though he couldn't quite put his finger on what. At the very least, he needed to talk to River about going into others' rooms. _Especially_ Jayne's.

A day or two later, Simon noticed something else strange about River in regards to the big gun-hand. They were spending more time together than they ever had previously, and they were spending more time _together_ than they were with anyone else. It was a little unsettling, but not anything Simon couldn't handle. They both smiled more, and both seemed in better moods, but with River's newfound stability that wasn't a significant change. It was the _looks_ that Simon minded.

The way Jayne would glance at her out of the corner of his eye and smile to himself. Or the way River would stare after him when he walked out of a room. Little things – but they spelled out something that had Simon donning the gauntlet of brotherly paranoia, preparing for something big.

He went to Kaylee first.

His wife, while a bit naïve, seemed far more perceptive when it came to people than he could ever be. He cautiously approached the engine room, seeing her sitting on the floor humming along to a song on her little handheld player.

"Kaylee?"

"Oh hiya, Simon! What is it, honey? Don't usually see you 'round here."

That was true; the whirling mechanical bits unnerved him. But he returned her luminous smile, settling down on the floor beside her. The others were out on a job (and Inara was off on business), and it seemed the perfect time to broach the subject. "Kaylee, I… I'd like to ask your opinion of something."

"Well go right ahead, darlin'. What is it?"

He looked to the side, one hand pulling a little on his ear. "W-well… It's about River." At her worried look, he said, "Oh, no, no! She's perfectly fine; her condition is stable and I think she's still making progress. It's more… Well, it's more of a… A matter of…. A _personal_ matter."

"Personal matter?" She cocked her head a little, looking adorably confused. "Whatcha mean?"

Simon cleared his throat. "I've noticed – just lately, the past three days or so – that River's spending a lot of time… with Jayne." He paused, waiting for her reaction. There wasn't one. "_Jayne_," he reiterated. "My sister – my formerly unstable sister – is spending time with a man who not only hated her, but made no secret of the fact he wanted her off the ship. The same man she once attacked with a large knife. _Jayne_."

Kaylee just laughed merrily. "Oh, I know y'don't think too highly o' Jayne, but I wouldn't worry none 'bout him and River. They's just gettin' along, is all. Maybe they're bondin' over the crime they do together. Maybe they're friends! Oh, wouldn't that just be so cute?"

As his wife squealed happily over the thought, Simon could only smile wryly. "I… Do you really think Jayne could be friends with a woman – have a true friendship, I mean – without… expecting anything else from her?"

Kaylee frowned. "Now Simon, don't go sayin' nothin' like that about Jayne. He treats me jus' like a little sister. An' him and Zoe – well, they don't get along all the time – but they got a lot in common. An' no 'ffence to River, but I don't think she's really Jayne's type."

"I suppose you're right." He stroked her hair and said, "I worry too much, don't I?"

"You surely do, Simon Tam!" she announced proudly, giving his shoulder a playful little punch. "But that's why we love you."

Kaylee's words appeased him for a time, but on a trip planet-side, all his concerns came back full force. The whole crew, minus Zoe and Inara, were out and about on Persephone and hadn't yet split up. Simon stopped momentarily to look through a window at some oddly shaped glass baubles, letting the others walk on in front of him. When he turned back, planning to rejoin them, he saw Jayne and River trailing behind the rest, side by side, the man's large hand resting on the girl's lower back. And it was drifting lower.

His immediate response was one of shock, and hardly able to believe his eyes he looked down to the dusty ground, blinking hard to rid himself of the disconcerting image. After a few seconds he looked up again. There were too many people between him and the rest of _Serenity_'s crew – he could see the top of Jayne's head, but not River's.

He let out a breath. "That's it! I really am going mad."

For the rest of the trip, Simon remained preoccupied. Kaylee tried to coax him into a less reticent mood, but he remained immovably solemn. There were plenty of explanations for what he'd seen, but none of them made him feel any better.

But maybe Jayne had just been helping to guide her. Kaylee had said Jayne treated her like a younger sister; it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility to assume that he was merely behaving similarly towards River. In fact, that made perfect sense. A somewhat annoying – and in River's case, most definitely bratty – younger woman that, though one might not always tolerate, one always cared for and protected: a sister. That seemed to define the odd relationship in a way that did _not_ make Simon want to shoot anyone.

And that's what he kept telling himself. The looks between them continued. He watched both closely, but besides the smiles and the glances, nothing pointed to anything untoward or at all non-platonic. He saw them on the catwalk, standing together laughing. River twirled away, and Jayne would reach after her. She let him catch her and pull her to his chest before she would twirl back out again. Even to Simon's less than perceptive eyes, it looked like an excuse to embrace, but when he called up to her, asking what was going on, River said it was some sort of game. So he ignored the niggling feeling that told him it was more.

And he kept ignoring it. They still sniped and sneered, but if one just exercised a _little_ imagination, nearly every conversation they had could be construed as flirtatious. Simon resolutely closed his ears. And though River possessed almost preternatural grace, it wasn't _completely_ inconceivable that she would bump into Jayne. Often. Simon pretended he didn't see. No one else seemed to have noticed anything strange, so it seemed that maybe he was correct in attributing it all to his imagination. After all, he was probably the least likely to notice even if anything were there.

After a job, however, he finally got the proof that he'd been so desperately hoping didn't exist.

To his surprise, there weren't any injuries that needed patching up. The captain had been right; River proved to be an amazing asset – since she'd been helping out, Mal hadn't gotten shot, stabbed, or captured and tortured even once. There had been an unfortunate incident involving a poisonous salamander and copious vomiting, but when Simon had questioned her about it, River had only said the captain had deserved it.

He watched with a slight smile as they all trooped from the hold to the galley. "Hey ev'ryone!" Kaylee said happily. She had one hand on her belly and one hand on the spoon stirring a big pot of what Simon hoped was more than just protein. Ever since he'd realized - or, more accurately, been told - that she wanted to start having children, they'd been trying. Nightly. And she was always convinced that they'd gotten her pregnant.

"Hello Kaylee," River answered cheerily. "Your glow has stretched spherically." She gave Simon a distinctly cheeky grin. "Big brother has been busy."

He blushed crimson and Kaylee gasped, letting the spoon fall. "Oh, River, ya mean it? Can you... Can you sense a li'l baby in me yet?"

River shook her head. "Nothing but your own rays. Frye-Tam amalgamation waits for more opportune time to emerge."

Kaylee nodded, the "nothing" enough to clarify. "Ahh well," she said, her spirits undampened. "Guess we'll have to keep tryin'."

"Another baby?" Mal complained, taking his usual seat. "Little Kaylee, I'm not sure my boat's big enough for another toddlin', throwin' up, whiny little bundle o' joy."

"Oh, come on, Cap'n," the mechanic wheedled. "I seen ya lovin' on Bonny. Wouldn't it be nice t'have another? She could call ya Uncle Mal!"

Mal put up a good front, but his blustering fooled no one. They all smiled and both Zoe and Inara wished Kaylee the best of luck with her plans for motherhood. She gushed and thanked them, of course, and everyone was in high spirits.

Everyone except Jayne, whose mood seemed to be blacker than usual. Kaylee pointed a chopstick at him and said, "Jayne, you been lookin' like somebody done stole Vera ever since y'all came in from the job. Now you better tell us what's wrong right now."

Zoe sighed. "He's still pissed at River."

"River," Simon said worriedly. "Why? What happened? Did - "

"Don't worry about it, Doc," Jayne said levelly. "Ain't no reason to be concerned. Your crazy sister was jus' bein' stupid, takin' risks that - "

"That insured the success of the job," River interrupted. "Did calculations - chance of good outcome far outweighed chance of failure."

"Yeah, well... Were still a stupid thing t'do. You coulda got hurt and then that woulda... you know, distracted Mal 'cause he gets all fidgety when crew gets hurt, an' we mighta lost the whole take." He looked over at her, his eyes hard. "An' you know how I hate losin' som'thin' - 'specially when I just got it."

Mal sighed. "He's been whinin' since it happened," he said to the table at large. "An' while I gotta agree that it was risky, not a thing went bad an' we got paid." He looked over at Jayne. "So just get over it quick, Jayne, 'less you plan to be the new psychic-genius for us."

River giggled. "Genius-Jayne, mercenary and madman."

He just grunted. The rest of them, as they were all so wont to do, ignored his dark mood, but Simon couldn't help noticing the way Jayne's eyes would flick over to River. Concerned about getting paid, he'd said. It seemed that Jayne had been more worried about the possibility of River getting hurt, especially since he had "just got" her.

The thought did not sit well with her older brother.

Resolving to seek out a little more advice, Simon next went to the people likely to know Jayne best: Zoe and Mal. They were both on the bridge later that night and gathering his courage, he approached.

"Evenin' doc," Zoe said, her tone pleasant and friendly.

"Oh, um... good evening. I... I have something I'd like to talk about. With the both of you."

Mal turned his attention to Simon. "Oh? And what might that be?"

He swallowed. "It's... Well, Jayne. A-and River."

Mal smirked. "Well. Was wond'rin' when you'd notice."

Simon gaped. "Y-you mean... You see it, too? It's not my imagination?"

"Nope. Clear as glass." Even Zoe nodded, and though he felt an odd sort of gratification to know he'd been right, he couldn't help but wonder why neither of them seemed concerned.

"But... Are you okay with this? You don't find it at all unsettling?"

"Can't say I'm exceptionally pleased," Zoe told him, "but considering, ain't really all that surprisin'."

"Not surprising?" He stared at her incredulously. "I find the notion a bit shocking."

"Doc, Jayne's got a thing big as the whole 'verse for weapons. Your sister _is_ a weapon. Ain't too surprising to me they'd fall into bein' friends."

"Friends," Simon repeated. Is _that_ what they thought?

"Know you don't much like Jayne," Mal put in. Simon rolled his eyes. Did _everyone_ feel the need to remind him of that? "But deep down he ain't all _that_ bad. He sees a thing as his: his gun, his money, his friend - he'll go outta his way t'keep it safe. It's weird, for certain, but they ain't tryin' to kill each other, so I don't much plan to interfere."

"But... It's Jayne. Don't you think he may try - "

Zoe cut him off with a stern look. "Ain't never seen him lay an improper hand on the girl. If he tried to do wrong by her, you can be sure Captain or I'd put a bullet to him quick."

Mal snorted in dry amusement. "Think he'd sooner invite me to his bunk than your sister, doc."

Simon frowned and shook his head. "I... Captain..." He sighed. It wasn't just paranoia - he was certain of that. There was something more than friendship there. He decided to broach the topic of Jayne's concern from the job. "Don't you think it was odd how worried Jayne was tonight? He claimed to have been concerned about his pay, but in the end he received that in full. It appeared to me that what really bothered him was River putting herself in danger."

"What?" Mal laughed. "I'll grant ya that he mighta been a little worried over our little witch, but Jayne don't really do concerned. An' if he was, do you really think he'd think to hide it?"

He wasn't hiding it! That was Simon's whole point! "Captain, I - "

"You sure you ain't just imaginin' something that ain't there?" Zoe asked him. "We all know how much you care for River, an' maybe her friendship with another man - an older man - is a mite threatening."

Simon smiled and exchanged a look with Mal. "Only one Captain-Daddy here," Mal said proudly.

"Yes," Simon agreed. "River's even tried to convince me to think of Mal the same way."

"Yup. Every time the doc gets to bein' ornery, li'l Albatross assures me it's just a phase. Tells me I... Now what's she say? That 'er 'Simon-flower' gotta get used to his blossom."

Zoe rolled her eyes and smiled indulgently at the two men.

It seemed a futile task to press further on the issue, and bringing up any more precise suspicions would probably only cause problems. So Simon kept his mouth shut, hoping that whatever was going on between his sister and the large man would fade.

He kept a close eye on both of them. River seemed to be aware of the scrutiny, but he concealed the reason for it from her as well as he could; she didn't read minds anymore - her mental walls blocked out anything specific, but she could Read waves of strong feelings, so Simon would consciously project light suspicion and brotherly concern, never actually letting anything solidify in his mind.

And had he not been diligently watching them he never would have noticed, but their body language had changed as well. They were more comfortable with each other, almost as though their surrounding spaces had merged. Simon felt sick. Previously, Jayne would keep his eyes on her, getting uncomfortable if she ever came too close. Now, he seemed _more_ comfortable with River close to him. And... there were the touches. The first time he'd seen it the spike of alarm had drawn River's notice, and they'd been more careful. But that hadn't lasted long, and soon they were back to the casual brushes, letting hands linger, and even, if they felt particularly daring, a quick caress.

But no one - _no one!_ - seemed to notice. They weren't overt about it, that was true, but to any intelligent observer (and Simon had spent a great deal of time observing), there seemed to be only one explanation.

That didn't stop Simon from trying to come up with others, though. He had mulled it over for a few days after an incident involving a few heated glances and the two disappearing for an hour or so. There were only so many things that they could be doing.

No matter how much he wished that it was only his imagination, there were too many signs telling him otherwise. Whatever the nature of the relationship between them, there was an element - recent or old - of the sexual in it.

Simon had tried talking to Kaylee - honest and optimistic who knew people better than he did. Then Mal and Zoe, both well-acquainted with Jayne's idiosyncrasies. None of them had done much to assuage his worry. Now, having to face the idea that his young, brain-damaged - if brilliant - sister was sexually active, he realized there was one opinion he'd neglected to obtain.

Inara's.

Surely she knew what was going on. She had been trained in recognizing attraction, reading body language - her entire career was based on sexual comfort. If she hadn't noticed anything, then maybe he really had just imagined it all.

"Yes, actually," Inara said temperately, "I have noticed something different about their dynamic."

Simon swallowed. "Oh, y-you... You have?"

She nodded. "Yes. And I didn't want to say anything to you, so really I'm a bit relieved you brought it up." She gave him a small smile. "I know you care for River, but... Perhaps it's time to allow her to spread her wings a little. She is becoming more aware of her body, of herself as a sexual being. I've seen her dancing in front of Jayne, gauging his reactions. She enjoys bothering him. I do not think Jayne has much restraint, and I think River enjoys the attention. But, as clearly you have noted, the attentions of a man like Jayne are not what a brother would like his sister to have."

Simon just nodded, not quite sure of her point. "That's correct. I'm... unsettled."

"Before he acts on the urges she's inspiring, perhaps it would be prudent to introduce her to other options."

"_Before_ he acts? S-so you don't think - "

"No. I don't believe that anything has happened. River does not necessarily want _Jayne_; I think she is merely seeking male attention. She wants very badly to be normal, and most normal girls desire flirtations and attention from a boy. Jayne is easy to manipulate and from what I've seen she is simply taking advantage of that for her own benefit."

"Oh. Then you don't... You don't think she cares for him? That their relationship has progressed to... to an actual relationship?"

Inara shook her head. "No, I don't think it has. Certainly they're more comfortable with each other and I would certainly believe they've cobbled together some odd sort of frienship, but I'm skeptical that it's gone any farther than that." She gave him a half-grin. "Do you really think River could thrive in a relationship with someone like _Jayne_?"

"No. And that... that's what worries me." Simon looked down at his cup of tea. So not even Inara believed it was possible River and Jayne were - for lack of any more appropriate terms - _dating_. He wanted to swear.

"As I said, Simon, perhaps it would be best if you let her explore other options. There are plenty of appropriate young men in the 'verse, though I admit we don't meet all that many. A male Companion is always an option, as well."

"Yes, I... Well I appreciate the advice Inara and I shall certainly take it to heart." She nodded. "Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to... go find Kaylee."

Feeling no better about the situation, he stepped out of the shuttle.

And saw his sister, down in the hold, legs wrapped around Jayne, sitting on a crate. "Hadn't got to have a taste o' you all day, baby girl," the big man growled. "We got time?"

"I... Mmm." River shivered a little, pressing closer. Simon felt nauseous. "Can't sense them when brain is filled with Jayne. Kaylee with her girl, warrior and whelp in slumber, Captain can be avoided, Simon-flower still in shuttle with the best of dark and bright."

"That's 'Nara, right? From that poem you was readin' me."

"Very good, Jayne," River said, kissing his cheek. "You are a star pupil. Would you like a reward?"

"Hell yes, baby girl, I'm more'n ready to be... rewarded."

River chuckled and after pressing a hard kiss to her mouth, Jayne carried her away. No doubt off to his bunk.

Simon shook a little, unnerved by such clear evidence of what everyone kept telling him didn't exist. He sighed. "It... Fuck."

* * *

-End A/N: Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you enjoyed it; don't forget to review! Also, check out my LJ community acidandink (link in my profile) for drabbles, almost all of "Throwing Pearls at Swine" chapter 3 and a few new one-shots.


	2. Sense of Fashion

**Title:** The Emperor's New Clothes  
**Author:** ILB (or an ardent rain)  
**Chapter:** Sense of Fashion (2/?)  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own.  
**Rating:** an overall PG-13  
**Pairing:** Rayne  
**Set:** post-BDM, in the "Suitor"-verse  
**Summary: **River and Jayne are together and have been successfully keeping that from the rest of the crew. What happens when Simon, usually the least likely to notice, is the only one who sees what's really going on?

This follows "The Reluctant Suitor" and "An Undisclosed Courtship", but is completely stand-alone.

**-A/N:** Well... I'm going to be honest. I was planning on waiting a little while longer to finish this chapter, but I'm in a downright horrible mood and I wanted to post something so people might read and any reviews would make me feel better. (Well... They would! Heh.) I haven't really gotten much feedback on the last few things I've written, so now I'm all paranoid. Anyway, please review - because it would make me very happy. And, you know... other stuff. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter; you have no idea how much I appreciate that! Enjoy this installment! I realize this is a little "nothing" as far as plot, but I needed Simon to make this realization. Yup. Chapter 3 may take a little longer. I've promised myself I'm going to finish 3 of "Out of Sight" first. (It... Well, it's being difficult. Heh.)

_**Two:** Sense of Fashion_

* * *

Simon sighed.

He was trying not to stare - he really was - but every giggle or teasing remark would draw his attention, and inevitably his eyes would end up on his sister once again. On his sister and the large man sitting beside her. It made him feel a little ill - of all the men on all the moons all the way across the 'Verse, River had actually _chosen_ to be with Jayne Cobb. The trained ape. The man-ape-gone-wrong-thing! The vicious, self-serving, uneducated mercenary who had once tried to sell her back to the very men who had broken her!

The doctor sighed again. Perhaps that was a little unfair to Jayne. Perhaps it was _very_ unfair to Jayne, but Simon wasn't in any humor to give any credit to the big man, even where it was due. Just the thought of those oversized, fumbling hands touching his brilliant, baby sister was enough to make his skin crawl. Oh, sure, it made him feel worlds better to imagine theirs was the playground sort of romance, but if the way River had wrapped herself around the merc the night before was any indication, Jayne had definitely added another name to his lengthy list of women. But as much as Simon wanted to think Jayne was just after another meaningless conquest, the chemistry between the two was unmistakably passionate and - most detrimental of all to his rather sordid view of Jayne's intentions - he'd had the misfortune to witness the two share a warm kiss.

Jayne Cobb, as proclaimed by the man himself, did not kiss on the mouth. But he'd kissed River. Right on the mouth - lips to lips. And both of them had seemed to enjoy it. Simon inwardly winced.

He didn't need to know anything that had happened beyond that. But the idea of Jayne and River was so incredibly _ludicrous_... They couldn't really be involved! No matter how damning the evidence, surely there was some alternate way to explain what was going on between River and _Serenity_'s largest, angriest gun-hand.

"You know somethin' we don't, doc?"

Simon blinked out of his thoughts and looked over nervously at Mal. "Wh-what?"

The captain rolled his eyes, but grinned to show he was in good humor. "You cooked and you ain't eatin'. Somethin' 'bout this meal we should be aware of?"

Oh. For a moment there, he'd been half worried the captain had tapped into his thoughts. "I'm... Just not very hungry tonight it seems. The dinner's fine, I assure you."

"Hell," Jayne said, "don't taste nothin' but good to me - healthsome, too." He took a large bite. "Even if the doc did make it."

River wrinkled her nose as she watched the spectacle. "You are disgusting. Stuffing your face like some uncultured animal."

The mercenary scooped up another enormous bite, shoveling it all into his mouth. He smiled at the girl, his cheeks puffed out and full of food.

"Cease this egregious eating behavior at once, man-called-Jayne! My appetite is diminishing!"

He swallowed his impossibly large mouthful of food. "Well that's the idea, ain't it?"

"Gorrammit, you two," Mal groused, "can't we get through a single meal without your snipin'? I am a very patient man but try me an' I ain't opposed to violence."

"He started it," River said, sticking her tongue out at Jayne.

"No, it were her!" he countered. "She's the one had a problem with my eatin'."

"Jayne..."

"Mal! I ain't done a - "

"No hope for the ape-man; his grammar as atrocious as his table manners."

"Shut it, you little - "

"All right," Mal said, standing up, "both o' you are excused. Y'all can eat later. If you can behave."

Both were sullenly silent for a long moment.

"Yes Captain-Daddy," River said with a sigh. Gracefully, she stood up and exited.

Jayne only scowled for a moment longer before getting up as well and following her out.

Mal looked pleased with himself, going back to his meal with a satisfied smile. Simon set down the fork he'd been using and sighed once again. They certainly put on a good show; he'd have to give them that.

But how much of it really was a show? They couldn't act any differently around the crew and he realized that, but how was he to know their behavior when they were alone underwent any sort of dramatic change? The only time he'd seen them alone together they'd - unfortunately, Simon personally felt - been interested in nothing more than the physical. And that, though it vaguely disgusted him, also gave him hope. They were friends, true - everyone could see that; liking each other was a change too fundamental to hide. But Simon was absolutely certain they weren't in love. Maybe River - for reasons no brother really wanted to think about - was only interested in Jayne because he was the picture of a strong, virile male. With no one else to turn to, he was the perfect means for exploring any new, physical urges.

"I'm not feeling well," Simon announced suddenly, standing up. "If you'll excuse me, everyone, I think I'm going to... turn in for the night. I hope you enjoyed dinner." Barely hearing Kaylee's "feel better!", he headed to the infirmary. That was his own, private domain - the perfect place to think.

Absently, he rifled through his supplies - he could claim he was organizing, though really everything was already in its proper place. The real reason for his departure was a need to mull over things; his mind turned back to his sister.

The first thing to determine was the level of River's attachment. No, he didn't particularly want her to be interested in men, but she was certainly old enough to date and decide things on her own, and he didn't want to be over-bearing. Well... He knew he _shouldn't_ be over-bearing. Inara was correct; if River merely wanted to dabble with physical intimacy, a male Companion seemed like the perfect solution. Simon's own first sexual encounter had been with a Companion, so he could at least speak from experience when he suggested such a course of action to River. That talk, or any derivation thereof, was not a conversation he looked forward to having. But it might end up being a necessary evil.

And, if she was indeed attached to Jayne, then she'd probably decline the offer. He'd save that idea as a last resort.

_Jayne_. He shook his head, trying to see where any appeal could possibly lie. Perhaps Jayne was handsome; he'd have to ask Kaylee, because if he were a woman Jayne would probably be the last type of man he'd want. Sure, Jayne could physically overpower multiple opponents - but on that same token, so could River. Perhaps she wanted someone who could nearly equal her in combat, then? Fighter-types were a dime a dozen, but maybe Jayne was nearer the top of that hierarchy than Simon knew.

If a Companion wasn't what she wanted, then finding a man to replace Jayne in his sister's eyes seemed to be the obvious solution. And perhaps he had the beginnings of a good list of criteria. Someone strong - probably good with weapons. Reasonably good-looking, as well, since River certainly deserved the best. Intelligence - there was something Jayne clearly lacked. Maybe if he could find someone with high intelligence, River would realize how limited prolonged communication with Jayne would be. Then intelligence was definitely something to add to the list. Clean, as well. Well-groomed. Simon was willing to overlook fashion sense. Maybe a pilot. Comparing notes on their jobs could be a very nice conversation starter.

Quickly, he grabbed a pen and a pad of paper and jotted down what he had so far. The list was based on the idea that River was attracted to Jayne physically - surely there was nothing beyond the exterior that could catch her interest.

"Great," Simon said, running his hands through his hair and surveying his work. "I'm actually trying to set my sister up." He let out a puff of air. "I had always hoped I'd be the one discouraging men, not trying to find them."

Luring Jayne away would be a much easier task, he was sure, but that might hurt River. If there was anything in the 'Verse he didn't want to do, it was hurt his already battered sister. She'd recovered further than anyone could have expected her to, but it would be nothing less than cruel to allow her to feel any pain that he could possibly keep her from. So, with rather resigned determination, Simon slipped his list into his pocket and headed to bed.

The next few days brought with them some unusual behavior. Simon, with as much stealth as he could muster, had taken to watching his sister with even greater frequency. This turned out to be hurtful rather than helpful because River, having noticed the bizarre scrutiny, had taken to avoiding her brother.

Simon was getting frustrated. River and Jayne still acted as though nothing were going on between them; Simon had caught them smiling at each other once, had accidentally gotten kicked in the face trying to see where Jayne's hands were at dinner one night, and then inadvertently took River's turn watching Bonny - which left even more time for her to spend with Jayne. But no proof either way - River's emotional interest in the mercenary could be lukewarm or blazing hot, and Simon would never know which.

She suspected something. She could read minds, it would have been foolish to think he could hide his motives from her completely. But she didn't know precisely what he was up to.

Everyone else noticed, as well. In fact, he'd so concerned Mal that the crew was actually being given a longer bit of leave time for "recuperation purposes".

"Now I expect y'all to use this time to rest up," Mal said, looking directly at Simon. "Mayhap I've put us on too strenuous a schedule - so now's the time to get back to workin' right."

"Sounds good to me, sir," Zoe told him, hefting her daughter into her carrier. She raised a brow and quirked a smile at Mal, holding up a small box. "Even packed us a picnic."

"Well ain't that shiny." He hooked a thumb under his suspenders and grinned, walking briskly down the ramp.

Inara rolled her eyes at him then hooked arms with Zoe and followed.

"Come along Simon," River said, bouncing up and down on her toes. They'd parked the ship near a lake used for recreational swimming, and she was eager to test the waters. "Time to depart."

Kaylee chuckled at her sister-in-law. "Y'ready to go swimmin', huh, River?"

"Indeed. But Simon-flower insists on slowness."

"Gorrammit you whiny moonbrain," Jayne said sullenly, stomping over, "if'n your ruttin' brother won't take you, I will if you promise to shut up about it." He pushed his sunglasses on and grunted. "Ain't got time to listen to your complainin'."

River stuck her nose up at him. "Hmmph. Company from the ape-man is not desired. Want to swim only with those who desire to swim, as well. Butterfly, back, breast, free - cannot take my water from me!"

"Breast, huh?" Simon rolled his eyes. "What're you talkin' 'bout tits for? You gon' be nekkid when you swim?"

River glared. "No."

Jayne grinned coarsely. "Ain't like anyone could tell the diff'rence anyhow." Her eyes narrowed and one hand tightened into a fist. The merc seemed unfazed. "'Sides that, you gorram crazy-girl, I wouldn't 'a offered if I weren't goin' there myself. I ain't exactly in th' habit o' doin' favors."

"You will be swimming, too?" she asked with a pout, seeming disappointed over the prospect of his company.

"Hell yes. Ain't had a nice dip in seems like forever."

Simon, sick of the banter, stepped towards his sister. "I'm ready now! Let's be off then, shall we?" He offered one arm to his sister and one to his wife. Both women took the proffered appendage and they all started walking down to the others. Jayne followed, slightly behind.

Simon and Kaylee settled down near Zoe. He spread out a thick, old blanket onto the ground and made quite a show of helping Kaylee onto it. She giggled, enjoying the act. He would always retain some of his old "appropriate" habits, and exaggerating them always amused her.

The crew of _Serenity_ all settled down to enjoy a pleasant outing on the warm, breezy day. Simon wasn't precisely sure what planet they'd landed on (his education of the systems hadn't included many Rim planets or moons), but it was nice and relatively green; he wouldn't mind visiting again.

After a quick bite, Jayne and River headed off to swim. Simon noticed with some dismay that he seemed to be the only one worried; apparently, the rest of the crew were _fine_ with the idea of River wearing nothing but a bathing suit in front of the large, crude man. Only about ten minutes after they left, Mal and Inara got up as well. They both professed a desire for a walk in the fresh air and set off, a good two feet between them.

"Bet they's goin' to make out," Kaylee told her husband with a saucy grin. "Captain's been tryin' to get 'Nara alone for awhile now. O' course, he's gotta be nice to her now that he's got her."

"Yes, he does have a tendency to make her angry, doesn't he?" Simon smiled. "He's nearly bad as me when it comes to putting his foot in his mouth."

"Bad as you?" Kaylee snorted. "Bao bei, he's 'bout a hundred times worse! You should hear the stuff 'Nara tells us he says. You don't gotta worry 'bout a thing, Simon." She gave his cheek a wet, smacking kiss. "Least you always knew you liked me. Captain weren't even able to admit that!"

"Mmm. That's right, I suppose. At least he's learned."

They chatted for a little while longer before Zoe interrupted with a request. "It's good to have a bit o' time to myself," she said. "Feel like having a bit of a lay down. Would you watch Bonny while I get some sleep?"

"No problem at all!" Kaylee said happily, thrilled to be able to practice her mothering. She still wasn't pregnant, and she took any opportunity she could to take care of Bonny. "C'mere little one - aunty Kaylee's gonna watch you for awhile."

Zoe carefully handed her daughter to the mechanic, then stretched out on her own blanket, one arm pillowed under her head.

"Ain't she cute? Can't wait until we get one o' our own."

Simon smiled as Kaylee waggled her finger at the laughing baby. "I know what you mean. Impending fatherhood frightens me just a little, but... But I think I'd like it. I can't believe how lucky I am that someone as wonderful as you wants to have my children." He kissed her softly at the corner of her mouth.

Kaylee sighed happily. "You best stop bein' so wonderful yourself, Simon Tam, or I'm jus' gonna have to marry you again! Course I wanna have your kids. You're so pretty ain't a chance they'll come out ugly!"

He laughed. "And here I thought it was because you loved me." They shared a grin. Kaylee was one of the best things that had ever happened to him and he would be eternally grateful to whatever forces had led him to her. "I wish..." He sighed and looked away.

"What is it? You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I... I only wish River had someone as well. I am so lucky to have you to share my life with. But... She doesn't have someone to share that bond with and I wonder if she feels that empty space." She certainly wouldn't get any sort of appropriate life partner out of Jayne. It was selfish of him to want to keep his sister to himself; he had Kaylee. River deserved someone to share her life with, as well.

"Oh Simon..." Kaylee leaned against him, trying to comfort him with her weight and warmth. "I know you worry, but you can't find anyone for her. She's gotta meet him herself. I'm sure River's gonna find the best boy in the world - an' then you'll be jealous he's tryin' to take her away!"

"I... You don't think I've kept her too close? I've been a bit overprotective, I think, and I don't know if she feels like she has the freedom to go find someone."

"Well o' course you kept her too close! But you're a worryin' big brother - that's your job!" She gave his arm a little pat. "You know what, though? I bet she does wanna have a date or two. Maybe me an' 'Nara an' Zoe can take her out next time we're somewhere with lots o' people." Kaylee gasped happily. "Oh, we can get 'er all dolled up an' everything!" She giggled. "You just better not try to scare none o' them boys off, Simon. They're gonna be all over her!"

_'As long as it's not Jayne all over her,'_ he thought. He felt somewhat guilty for meddling, but he only had River's best interests at heart.

She and Jayne came back a little after that. Both were grinning madly and sopping wet.

"Guess y'all had fun," Kaylee said with a little laugh.

"So much," River assured her, nodding happily. "Water was optimum temperature - depth was appropriate, as well." She grinned and looked sneakily over at Jayne. "Man-called-Jayne perfected his belly flop."

"Hey," he retorted, poking the girl in the side. "Y'weren't too graceful yourself, at first."

Simon sighed to himself. Surveying his sister, he hadn't been able to ignore the tell-tale mark on her neck, just obscured by her hair when it hung down. It had obviously been too much to hope for that they'd only swim.

_'Yes,'_ he thought, watching as they fought over the last sandwhich on real bread. Jayne, who never gave up food, surrendered after only minimal pressing. _'It's definitely for the best.'_

* * *

-End A/N: Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you enjoyed it; don't forget to review! Also, check out my LJ community acidandink (link in my profile) for drabbles and some pieces I think are a little too short to post alone here. And feel free to friend me - I like journally things, so I'm over on LJ a lot. :)


	3. New Seams

**Title:** The Emperor's New Clothes  
**Author:** ILB (or an ardent rain)  
**Chapter:** New Seams (3/?)  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own.  
**Rating:** an overall PG-13  
**Pairing:** Rayne  
**Set:** post-BDM, in the "Suitor"-verse  
**Summary: **River and Jayne are together and have been successfully keeping that from the rest of the crew. What happens when Simon, usually the least likely to notice, is the only one who sees what's really going on?

This follows "The Reluctant Suitor" and "An Undisclosed Courtship", but is completely stand-alone.

**-A/N:** Sorry it took so long everyone! Thanks a million to everyone who reviewed chapter two - I can't tell you how much I appreciated it. This is a little short, but it sets things up for later chapters very nicely. I think that's it... Enjoy everyone!

_**Three:** New Seams_

* * *

Simon, after deciding on a plan of action, did not have to wait long to implement it. Another job, another injury to patch up. To no one's surprise it had been Mal who'd gotten hurt, though it was a bit of a different story than what Simon was used to.

"You tripped. And cut yourself on a bit of an old ship hull?"

Mal scowled as he rolled up his sleeve for the tetanus shot Simon was about to administer. "It weren't my fault, doc."

"Oh no, of course not. I'm sure it jumped out and caught your leg intentionally."

"Don't recall sarcasm bein' part of the treatment plan," the captain remarked grumpily.

Simon shrugged. "Consider it a preventative measure."

He gave Mal the shot, then threw the used injector into the biohazard disposal. "At least it wasn't your sister hurt." The captain stood, rubbing his arm. "Then you'd really be in a snit."

"I'm not in a _snit_." He sighed. "Where is River, actually? I haven't seen her since you returned."

"In the hold, I think. Helpin' Jayne load cargo."

"With Jayne." His mouth quirked ruefully. "Of course."

Mal looked out the infirmary doorway offhandedly. "They do spend a good bit o' time together."

"_Too_ much time together," Simon groused, opening a cabinet with a bit more force than necessary to get out some disinfectant cream for Mal's calf.

"Thought you were over this already, doc."

"You see, that's the problem right there, captain. There's something there to get over."

Mal made a face. "What're you sayin'? You think she's sweet on 'im or something'?"

Simon sighed and handed him the tube. "Here. Apply this for a day or so and you'll be fine. And…" He crossed his arms and tapped thoughtfully on his bicep. "Jayne is the only available man River sees with any sort of frequency. Apart from… from Badger, of course, but even Jayne's a better alternative than that, no matter how marginally."

"Hmm." Mal turned to survey him thoughtfully.

"River is nineteen. I'm sure she… Well since she's become more stable it's possible that… she's had thoughts, or seen Kaylee and I… And – "

"You think it's 'bout time she found 'er own little boyfriend?"

Simon winced. "I… I think so. If she's looking at Jayne with any sort of interest, then surely that's only because she desires male company. _Surely_."

"No offense, doc, but you ain't ever been the best at seein' what's right in front o' you. You sure what you think you see between her an' Jayne ain't just your imagination?"

He clenched his jaw, wanting so badly to set the captain straight. But saying it out loud would only make it that much more real, and Simon had about all of the situation's reality he could take. "It's possible. I'll be the first to admit that I do have my guard up in most areas regarding River. But… This has really made me think. I… I don't want to hold her back. If she wants to grow up, then I should let her."

"Well that's mighty big o' you, Simon, but you really think you been stoppin' her?"

He didn't respond.

Mal sighed. "Okay, so fine – you been holdin' our little witch back. How exactly do you plan to fix it? Jus' throw her out and say 'Here ya go, boys'?"

Simon scowled. "No, of course not; don't be ridiculous." He sighed. "I… I talked to Inara and she suggested that I… Well, she said that she'd noticed River and Jayne and… and was worried, as well. She believes River desires attention from a boy and… and is using Jayne because he's… fairly easy to manipulate."

"It _is_ Jayne we're talkin' about."

"Yes, that's… That is the problem…" Simon sighed again. "And I think that Inara is correct; she's trained in… in these sorts of matters." He of course didn't tell Mal that Inara had slightly underestimated River and Jayne's relationship – he'd decided to keep their secret until the big reveal couldn't be avoided any further. "I've talked to Kaylee, as well. And she thinks that… that maybe if River went out with the other women she'd… Well, she'd be able to find a way to…" He exhaled pitifully. "To _explore_ that desire she has for attention." And as much as he hated the idea of someone touching his baby sister, the idea that it was Jayne doing the touching caused him much more grief.

Mal raised a brow in surprise. "Sounds t'me like you got it all figured out." He thought for a quick moment and then nodded once. "Well… the li'l albatross is growin' up, so I guess – if it's what she wants – maybe we c'n let the girls take 'er out."

"Yes. If it's what she wants." Simon smiled a little and shook his head. "You know, you may not show it as much, but I think you're just as protective of my mei mei as I am."

Mal looked up haughtily and sniffed. "When a girl takes you on as her captain daddy… well, that brings some responsibilities. An' I aim to be responsible."

So the plan was set in motion. And as guilty as Simon felt for – even partially – lying to everyone, he could push that out of his mind every time he saw his sister near the gruff mercenary.

It was a few days later, when they were close to a station with a large shopping and entertainment complex, that he finally confronted his sister.

River blinked at her brother after he'd spoken. "What?"

Simon gave her a weak smile. "I… Well, I think I've kept you too close, mei mei. You've gotten a great deal better; you're capable and able to function on your own, with only minimal intervention from any medication. I'm… I'm proud of you, River." He cleared his throat. "So I will… _try_ to let you live your own life."

"Yup," Kaylee said merrily. "An' we're gonna take ya out. A real girl's night out an' everything. Ain't you excited?"

"I suppose I will enjoy the revelry," River said slowly. Simon felt a split-second pang of guilt.

"And if you'd like, River, perhaps we could help you find a nice young man to spend the evening with." Inara gave the girl a motherly smile. "Your brother and I have spoken about it, and if you'd like to have a male Companion to – "

"No," River told her quickly. "Not necessary."

Simon sent up a quick prayer to whom or whatever had helped with that decision. River glared. "Heard that," she said crossly. He smiled apologetically.

"Well if you don't want a Companion," Zoe said, "maybe you can find some nice boy at the bar."

"Why is everyone convinced I need male company?"

"You're a mature young woman, River," Inara told her serenely. "Now is the time in your life when many girls begin to be interested in men. Wouldn't you like to have an admirer, perhaps go on a date or two? I've noticed that you seem to be more physically aware of yourself as a woman." She cleared her throat as delicately as only a Companion could. "And I've seen you noticing certain men, as well."

For barely a second Simon saw River's eyes light up with fear. No one else seemed to notice, or realize what she was afraid of if they did. "You have?"

"Yes. And I think it's time you were allowed to explore this new awareness. We won't interfere with any interactions you might wish to engage in, but we'll all be there if you get uncomfortable or would like any advice."

River nodded slowly, but before she could respond Jayne came ambling in. Simon cursed the big man's timing. "What's goin' on?" the merc asked, obviously surprised to have stumbled into some sort of meeting he hadn't been aware of. "Y'all havin' a party?"

"No," River answered, "I am merely being given permission to explore my new physical awareness." Jayne raised an eyebrow in what Simon assumed to be confusion. "They have no new awareness." He looked confused for a moment before realization dawned and he nodded quickly. Simon wondered – and not for the first time – how they had all missed how layered River's sometimes odd statements really were.

"So physical, huh? That mean you're goin' t'be sexin'?" He snorted. "Good luck with _that_, moonbrain. You're 'bout as likely to find someone willin' to deal with your crazy ass as I am to find a woman and stick to 'er regular."

Kaylee shot Jayne a hurt look on River's behalf. Simon sighed internally. "You underestimate me, Jayne Cobb," River said haughtily.

"Oh I do, huh?"

"Yes. I will find a strong, exceptionally handsome man who will find my ass as appealing as you find it crazy."

"I doubt that."

"River's a real pretty girl, Jayne!" Kaylee told him emphatically. "Jus' 'cause she might 'a been crazy before don't mean she can't get a fella's attention. I bet there's loads of real swai boys all 'cross the 'verse who'd love to get even a look at 'er!"

"Well I done got plenty o' looks at her – and she's still jus' crazy."

River sniffed daintily. "You are still a large, uneducated ape."

Jayne leaned towards her, leering. "Some girls _want_ large, une'jucated apes."

River leaned closer as well, a look of challenge on her face. "Some boys like girls who are crazy."

Having had far more than enough of their little game, Simon cleared this throat. "Don't worry, mei mei," he said soothingly, "I'm sure you'll find a man who can not only look past your mental handicap, but who will respect you – your body and your brilliance." He shot a nearly involuntary protective glare in Jayne's direction. "There are plenty of men to choose from." _'Plenty of men,'_ he thought, _'who are not Jayne.'_"Yes." Inara gave Jayne a stern look. "And you should be encouraging her, Jayne, not insulting her."

"Oh 'scuse me if'n I don't show no 'thusiasm at helpin' little miss feng le over here find some piece o' go se guy to sex 'er up." He frowned deeply and crossed his arms over his broad chest.

"Just a date," River informed him quickly. "They only want to find an appropriate suitor, not a bedmate." She grinned. "Simon would explode if he discovered his poor mei mei was being manhandled by a rough, uncivilized male creature."

Simon did his very, very best to remain completely impassive at the look that passed between them.

"Ooh, I'm so excited. We'll have so much fun!" Kaylee gushed, grabbing River's arm. "Come on, let's see what you got to wear. An' I bet 'Nara'll let you borrow some o' her nice make up and maybe some sweet-smellin' perfume, too."

The two girls walked out, an air of excitement around them. Mal smiled indulgently and shook his head. "Always touches th'heart to see your li'l albatross growin' up so quick." He patted his chest and then wiped at his eyes. Inara rolled her eyes at him affectionately, then excused herself, as well. "An' since they're gon' go off bein' girly, I propose we have ourselves an evenin' of more manly pursuits."

Jayne perked up noticeably. "That mean drinkin'?"

"Hell, even whores if you're a mind to 'em." Simon's eyes shot over to Jayne, but he didn't see the usual lascivious grin. That tempered his concern some.

He cleared this throat and said, "Well… Actually, I'd planned to go with… with the women. To keep an eye on River."

Zoe crossed her arms. "Oh? So you wanna give her freedom, but only under your supervision?"

Simon fidgeted. "I… I won't interfere with her night. I only want to make sure that nothing bad happens to her. If someone behaves inappropriately towards her or the crowd is too large or – "

"Don't worry none 'bout that, doc," Jayne told him. "Long as she's got Kaylee an' 'Nara with 'er she'll be fine. She can concentrate on them an' 'less somethin' real bad's goin' down, she'll be fine." At the looks Mal and Zoe shot him, he coughed and amended, "Or at least I think. She just said somethin' like that once. I weren't payin' too close attention."

Simon fought the urge to smack his hand against his forehead.

Everyone was excited about the outing, though no one had hung quite the hopes on it that Simon had. He was nervous – and even more so when he finally saw his sister.

"Simon… You are staring."

"I'm sorry, River," he said with an apologetic smile. "I… I'm just surprised to see you looking so…" He swallowed his words nervously. "_Nice_."

River twirled around in her dress, the same one she'd worn to his wedding. "Today is a day for beauty."

Kaylee giggled. "An' I'm sure some boy'll think so, too."

Once everyone was assembled and ready, they all, minus Zoe, of course, trooped off _Serenity_. Mal and Jayne headed off towards a bar – or separate ones, more likely – while everyone else went into an establishment known more for its dance floor than its drinks. Simon tugged at his ear uncomfortably while Kaylee 'ooh'ed and 'ahh'ed at the colored lights. They found a table in the back; Kaylee and River went out to dance while Simon stayed there with Inara. They chatted idly, Simon paying only half-attention as he tried to keep his eyes on River.

"She'll be fine," Inara assured him. She put a hand on top of his kindly. "Don't worry."

"I don't mean to," he said. "It's… just become second nature now."

"She is growing up, Simon. This will be good for her, I promise." Inara pulled her hand away and smiled. "You're a good brother – and you mustn't forget River's a very smart girl. I'm sure she won't make any poor choices."

A waiter appeared just then, bearing the drinks they'd ordered when they'd come in. Simon drained his water quickly. He was relieved when, not long after, Kaylee and River came back for a break.

"You oughta get up and dance with me, bao bei," Kaylee said playfully, touching his arm. "Bet it would be _lots_ o' fun." She gave him a seductive smile, nudging the side of his leg with her knee. He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.

"I… I'm not sure, Kaylee. Maybe – "

"You will never convince him," River told her sister-in-law with a smile. "Simon-flower is scared to show his colors to all the other birds."

Kaylee giggled. "So he's a bird an' a flower, huh?" She leaned into her husband's side. "Ain't he just all kindsa shiny?"

Simon, slightly embarrassed, said, "Um, I… Aren't we supposed to be helping River? Have you found anyone you might like to talk to, mei mei?"

"Nope, she sure hasn't," Kaylee said with a sigh. "I been tryin' to find someone she might like, but she ain't bit yet." She peered around, trying to locate any worthy specimens. "What about… him?" she asked, pointing to a tall young man leaning against the bar. "Oh, he's real pretty, don'tcha think?"

River shrugged. "Has some physical appeal." She took a dainty sip of the drink in front of her. Simon was simultaneously pleased she hadn't found anyone and disappointed that it meant she must be happy with Jayne.

Kaylee huffed. "You ain't been interested in a single one o' the boys I been showin' you. Thought you were int'rested in datin' an' the like."

"They have been to your tastes. Not mine."

"Oh." She looked around again with half a frown, peering through the crowd to see which, if any, of the men there might be able to catch the young pilot's eye. "Well… Who would you like t'get to know?"

"If choice is mandatory…" River sighed and looked across the dim bar. "Then I will select him. The man ordering a drink."

Everyone peered over, trying to get a good look at him. The man had short, dark hair and a few days' worth of beard on his cheeks. He was about Mal's height, but broader, with more muscle. "That guy?" Kaylee asked incredulously, pointing towards him.

River nodded. "Correct. I find him most appealing. You like men pretty, Kaylee. I prefer them larger." She giggled. "Big, mean, smelly men."

"Well if you want that," Kaylee retorted, rolling her eyes, "you coulda just had Jayne."

Simon wanted to beat his head against the table.

* * *

-End A/N: Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope you enjoyed it; don't forget to review! Also, check out my LJ community acidandink (link in my profile) for drabbles and some pieces I think are a little too short to post alone here. And feel free to friend me - I like journally things, so I'm over on LJ a lot. :)

Chapter four will be up eventually. I'm going to _try_ to get "Out of Sight" chapter 3 up before I do any serious work on chapter 4, but who knows how that'll work out.


	4. Fashion Show

**Disclaimer:** I do now own Firefly.

* * *

**Title:** The Emperor's New Clothes  
**Chapter:** Fashion Show (4/?)  
**Characters/Pairing:** Simon, Mal, River - Rayne  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Word Count: **3829  
**Date:** 15 February 2009

**-A/N:** Sorry this took so long!

* * *

River's first outing hadn't, in Simon's view, been successful. She'd struck up a conversation with the man they'd spotted at the bar, but it had lasted only a minute or two and – much to Simon's dismay – hadn't led to anything more than a smile.

"You just givin' up that quick?" Kaylee had asked her sister-in-law with a pout. "You only talked to him for a second."

"Lacking necessary chemistry," had been River's reply before she'd shrugged and sat back down to her drink.

Kaylee had tried, dutifully, to entice River into talking to someone else, but the girl always refused. They'd all eventually given up, and she'd spent the rest of the evening dancing.

"So," Mal asked as everyone trooped back onto the ship, "our li'l albatross manage to snag herself a man?"

Simon shook his head. "No. She talked to one man, but… But that didn't work out. Apparently he either wasn't interested or perhaps River wasn't interested… she was vague on the details."

"Hmm." Mal looked the doctor over thoughtfully. "Y'know, doc… I got an idea I been thinkin' heavy on. Why don't you give your wife a quick goodnight an' meet me up on the bridge?"

"I… What? Why, captain? Is there – "

"Just an idea, is all." He waved the doctor off. "Go on, I'll tell your sister I got _Serenity_ for the night – send her on to bed."

"O-okay…" Simon nodded, a little wary. Ideas were far from the captain's strong suit, and the doctor had more than enough reason to doubt that Mal had come up with something that had even the remotest chance of turning out as he expected it to.

He went to the bunk he shared with Kaylee. "Did you have a good night?"

She yawned, still a bit tipsy and all tucked up into bed. "Sure did!" she answered drowsily, a big smile plastered on her face. "It was… Jus' all kinds o' fun. All kinds o' fun."

Simon smiled indulgently and gently pushed her hair back from her forehead. "Well I'm glad. I appreciate you trying to help River; and I'm sure she appreciates it, too. Now Mal wanted to… talk to me about something, so I'll be back later."

Kaylee frowned and groaned a little, her eyes fluttering closed as she grabbed his sleeve. "Not… not yet. Y'still gotta sex me up. We gotta…" She yawned. "Make a baby."

Simon let out a breathy laugh. "Oh… Bao bei, there will plenty of time for that. But not tonight." He kissed her temple. "You get some sleep. I love you."

"Love you, um…" She snorted. "Too."

With a chuckle and a shake of his head, the doctor switched off the lighting and bid his wife one last goodnight. Though feeling a little anxious about what the captain had to say, he was curious, as well. It couldn't be that Mal had finally noticed whatever it was between River and Jayne, could it? He stopped briefly by River's to tell her that she wasn't needed. She smiled and thanked him before going back to her drawing.

"So," Simon said, stepping onto the bridge. "What's this idea you wanted to discuss?"

Mal stood out of the pilot's seat, giving the doctor a penetrating look. "This… helpin'," he said heavily, "all the tryin' to find your sister a date. It's about Jayne, ain't it?"

Simon looked away guiltily. "No, well… I wouldn't…" He cleared his throat, a hand at his neck, just under his ear. "I wouldn't say that it's _only_ about Jayne. After all, I do want River to be happy."

Mal exhaled in a huff. "You want 'er to be happy, I'm sure, but you wouldn't 'a worried a thing 'bout her love life if she hadn't started gettin' closer to Jayne." He shook his head and laughed. "You jus' want her to find someone so whoever it is'll distract her from him."

"I hardly think it's your place to question my motives in regards to my sister," Simon said with a frown.

"Hey." Mal shook his head and pointed towards himself. "Cap'n Daddy here. Ain't questionin' your motives, I'm just sayin' what they are." He rolled his eyes. "Wish you had never noticed they was friends - you been harpin' on this ever since." Simon started to speak but the captain held up a hand to interrupt him. "Now I was figurin' you'd get all huffy 'bout this, so here's my idea. You want so bad for li'l River to find 'erself a fella, then maybe you ought to be the one doin' the lookin'."

"Wh-what?"

Mal shrugged. "Since you obviously ain't happy with what you're thinkin' are her own choices – though I still say she isn't actually choosin' Jayne – then why don't you give her some more 'propriate options?"

Simon cleared his throat, looking away shamefacedly. "I have been working on… on a list."

"A list? A list o' what?"

The doctor's ears reddened further. "Of… suitable traits. For any suitor of River's."

"Doc, tell me that you're jokin'."

"N-no…" Simon sighed. "I didn't do it simply to find someone _I_ approved of – I tried to take what I knew of River's preferences into consideration, as well."

Mal crossed his arms and sighed, looking at the doctor skeptically. "An' what'd you come up with?"

Simon ticked the traits off on his fingers. "Someone strong, reasonably good-looking, intelligent, well-groomed, maybe a pilot. She said at the bar that she liked, well… the man Kaylee suggested was apparently too _pretty_." She'd told them basically that she wanted a man similar to Jayne, but Simon didn't know if that was specific or if those were her preferences overall.

"No pretty-boys, huh? Don't sound too hard. Y'know, was jus' talkin' to Monty the other day an' he mentioned that a nephew o' his jus' got a pilotin' job. I can check t'see if we're somewhere near 'em, an' then…" He shrugged again, grinning a little. "Our li'l witch may find him to 'er likin'."

"I think that sounds reasonable. As long as…" He sighed heavily. "_Yes_, all right?" Simon scowled. "I told you I was worried and I stand by that. I want to... I just want to help her make a choice that she won't regret. Jayne is far and away one of the worst men in the 'verse to begin a serious relationship with."

"You ever think o' his feelin', doc? Jayne ain't gonna let nothin' romantical happen unless he wants it to."

"Have you ever watched them together, Mal? Really watched them? They flirt, they find excuses to touch each other, they spend more time together than they do with anyone else. It... I don't understand how I'm the only one to see it."

"Fine. You want me to watch 'em? I will. But I can just about promise you I ain't gonna see anything."

"You... If you watch them, Mal, I just don't see how you can miss it."

True to his word, the captain started his observations the very next day. Much to Simon's dismay, he was not subtle. "Would you... Stop staring," Simon chastised under his breath, leaning in towards the captain.

"I figured you'd appreciate the close scrutiny, doc," Mal retorted, never taking his eyes off his hired gun and his pilot.

"Well if they _notice_, however close that scrutiny may be, it won't do any good, will it?"

"Hey doc!" Jayne called loudly. Simon sat up, his features gone slack with surprise. The mercenary smirked at him, eyes sparkling with amusement. "Li'l Kaylee's goin' t'get jealous if you keep cuddlin' up to the captain like that."

Simon scowled and moved a little away from Mal. "Jayne... No one here is _cuddling_. We were talking. And... and what are you doing anyway?"

"Huh? Oh. Me an' the moonbrain got gun-cleanin' duty."

"Yes," River agreed, gesturing to the large number of guns laid out before them on a dirty piece of canvas. "Forced into hard labor - trumped-up charges."

"Yeah," Jayne said, pointing harshly at Mal. "Ol' Cap'n grumpy here said she was dancin' too loud 'r some go se like that."

Simon's eyes rolled to the ceiling. "Dancing too loudly?" he asked Mal quietly. "Really?"

"Well I had to get them together somehow. They weren't cooperatin' on their own."

"Yes, but they know you're watching now," the doctor explained through clenched teeth. "Of course you won't see anything telling."

"Maybe I ain't gonna see anything, _doc_, 'cause there ain't anything to... see."

Mal's attention left Simon and quickly the doctor looked over to Jayne and River to see what had caught Mal's eye. River was smiling up at the large man, looking more than a little besotted. Jayne's eyes flicked back and forth for half a second between the guns and the girl before he cleared his throat and gave her an awkward, tender pat on the head.

Simon met the captain's eyes.

"That," Mal said deliberately, his voice barely above a whisper, "Don't mean nothin'."

"Mal..."

The captain looked away from him. "Maybe I better wave Monty 'bout that nephew o' his now."

Monty was thrilled about the prospect and didn't at all mind putting Mal in contact with his young nephew. The boy had just graduated from flight school with honors so he was plenty intelligent, and the capture Monty sent showed a clean, round-faced young man with broad shoulders and sandy blond hair. He seemed practically perfect.

Everyone suspected something when Mal agreed to Kaylee's request to stop on Dalton to look for a part they needed, but until a tall, soft-spoken young man showed up at the docks, no one knew his motive.

"Sir, what the hell is going on here?"

Mal's smile faltered a little under his first mate's stare. "Now Zo, don't go accusin' me o' nothin' 'til you hear the whole story."

"I'm not accusin'," she told him, her arms crossed and one elegant eyebrow raised. "I'm perfectly willin' to give you a chance to explain." She paused, unable to stop herself from smiling at little at Mal's discomfort. "So start explainin'."

"Just thought, since the last little venture with our li'l witch an' the girls didn't go too swift, that maybe I - as a fine, upstandin' captain daddy - might do a good job findin' her a nice fella to take out."

"You have got to be kiddin'," Zoe deadpanned.

"Hey," Mal told her defensively, "I'm just tryin' to help."

Zoe rolled her eyes, putting a hand up in defeat as she sauntered away. "Whatever you say, sir. Whatever you say."

"That talk's soundin' mutinous," Mal called after her. "I know what I'm doin'! It ain't interferin' - it's for her best interests!"

"Whose best interests?" Kaylee asked, coming over. She shook a dirty rag at him. "Me an' Simon are 'bout to go out an' scavenge. They got some o' the best junkyards here. If I can find what I need, won't even have to buy nothin'. Not that you ever let me buy nothin' anyway."

"Now Kaylee I spend all the coin I can spare on our girl, here. You don't – "

"Hey." Kaylee touched his arm. "Who's that?"

Mal looked over to the tall young man in blue coveralls standing silently off to one side. "Oh! Forgot he was there for a second. Kaylee, this here's Johnny... well, Johnny somethin'. A nephew o' Monty's." Mal tilted his head up, smiling proudly. "He's Albatross's date for this evenin'."

"A... _date_?" Kaylee frowned a little, her eyes still on the boy. "Cap'n, I ain't real sure River's gonna like that."

"O' course she will, li'l Kaylee. Already talked to her brother about it - an' didn't y'all just take her out lookin' for boys? I'm only tryin' to help an' you're gonna stand there an' - "

"All right," she said with a laugh. "Maybe she won't get too mad at ya. Bye Johnny!" she said with a wave. "Nice t'meet you."

"Too mad. Hey!" he yelled after his mechanic, "per-maybe-haps she'll see I'm jus' tryin' to help!" He shook his head. "My whole crew's turnin' against me."

"Um... s-sir?" Johnny stepped forward with a tentative smile. "I don't know if this is such a - "

"It's fine," Mal told him, clapping the boy on the back. "Ain't got a thing f'r you to worry about. River's jus' the nicest girl you'll ever meet an' y'all are gonna have a real good time."

"I-if you say so, sir."

Mal nodded definitively. "I do."

Simon had been fretting over their decision to set River up the entire trip to Dalton. They were only doing it out of love, but the kindly-meant interference might not go over so well with the girl with whom they were interfering. And making a psychic assassin angry was something that no one really wanted to do.

He gave River a warm smile as he stood in her doorway.

She frowned. "You are up to something, ge ge."

"W-well... River, why don't you come to the hold with me? For just a little while." She rolled her eyes but stood up to follow him.

Trying hard to keep back any stray thoughts about what they were planning, Simon gently led her to the ship's hold. She blinked in surprise when she saw the unfamiliar figure standing next to the captain. "Who is this?" she asked.

"His name's Johnny," Mal said proudly, clapping a hand on the young man's shoulder. The man smiled, wringing his hat between his hands. "He's the pilot on a ship called _the Bethany_. So y'all probably have a lot in common."

"He's pretty nice-lookin', ain't he?" Kaylee asked merrily. She giggled and said, "Well, best leave you an' River to it. Have a nice time!"

"Have a nice time? What does she mean by this?"

Simon swallowed nervously. "W-well... Mal and I thought that, maybe, you and Johnny would like to go out for a little while. M-maybe on... a date."

"A date." She looked at Simon in disbelief.

"Yup," Mal answered, giving her a somewhat stern look. "Y'ought to just give him a chance, Albatross. 'M sure you'll have a great gorram time."

"Hello Johnny," River said, showing no enthusiasm whatsoever. "Ready for departure when you are."

He swallowed. "Okay, River." After half a second he gave her a tentative smile and said, "You're real pretty. I bet we have a real good time. I..." He swallowed again. "Well, let's go then."

She nodded and they headed out, River leading while the young pilot shuffled slightly behind.

"Goodbye, mei mei!" Simon called. "Be careful. And have a good time!" She only held up a hand in response. He sighed and she walked further and further away. He was beginning to think that letting her go off on her own had been a bad idea.

"Don't worry," Kaylee told him, wrapping her arms around his middle. "They'll be fine. An' if they get into any trouble then I bet Jayne'll help 'em out - he said he had some stuff to do while we was here."

"Wait, you mean Jayne is out there? He's not on the ship?"

Mal rolled his eyes. "That's gen'rally what 'out there' means, doc."

Simon groaned, hoping that Jayne had nothing to do with River's easy acceptance of the date they'd set up for her. On one level it was comforting to know that there was someone out there to watch out for her, but at the same time Jayne's presence would be nothing but a hindrance to any blossoming romantic feelings between River and her date. "Kaylee… Are you ready to go, too? We should go look for the parts you wanted soon."

Mal snorted. "Right. An' that ain't got nothin' to do with your mei mei bein' out there."

Simon sniffed haughtily. "Not a thing."

It didn't take long for them to find the parts Kaylee needed. She knew just what she was looking for and her knowledgeable chatter and adorable smile kept the junkers from upping the prices. They returned to the ship only a few hours after they'd left. River, however, still hadn't returned.

"I got to get to work," Kaylee said, patting Simon's cheek comfortingly. "But don't keep frettin', bao bei. 'M sure Riv'll be back real soon. An' I bet she'll be wantin' to see that Johnny again."

Kaylee was right in one respect - it did not take much longer for River to return. She stomped into the hold, Johnny trailing timidly behind her.

"River!" Simon rushed over to her, eager to see if she'd enjoyed herself. "Did you... Did you have a nice date?"

She shrugged. "Acceptable for one evening. Not an activity I would choose again."

Inwardly, Simon groaned. "Oh, w-well... At least it wasn't horrible. And Johnny was... _nice_, wasn't he?"

River rolled her eyes. "Yes, Simon. He was nice."

"I-I'm sorry that you didn't have a better time, River," Johnny said, twisting his hat between his hands. "But it was... real nice meetin' you. I sure had fun. A-and I guess - "

"Yes," River interrupted, "Lovely time, enjoyed meeting you, maybe we will have a subsequent run-in some time soon. Goodbye."

Johnny smiled nervously. "O-okay, then. G - "

"Hey. Who the hell're you?"

Johnny jumped a little as Jayne strode up behind him. Though Johnny was only an inch or so shorter, Jayne seemed to tower over him like some imposing, muscle-bound mountain.

"M-my name's Johnny," the boy stuttered out. "I was j-just here, um..." He swallowed nervously, eyes daring around the hold. "I took Ms. Tam out on a date. W-we just got back."

Jayne laughed harshly. "You an' moony? A date?" He grinned cruelly, looking at Johnny as though he were as insignificant as a speck of dust. "Guess you're stupider than you look if you'd go out with someone as crazy as her."

"C-crazy? She was... was very nice an' I had a nice time. Uh, sir."

"Right." Jayne rolled his eyes and walked past the shaking young pilot. "Moonbrain, what the hell's this about? Bringin' your boy-toys on ship now?"

River glowered. "Was Simon's idea, ape-man. And it was only one date."

"Well I don't like it."

"Since it is not your life, you do not have to like it."

"Um... m-maybe I better go."

Simon sighed forlornly and nodded to Johnny. "Yes, that might be for the best. Thank you for taking care of my sister while you were out. It was nice to meet you."

Johnny nodded, already backing down the ramp. "Nice to meet you, too, Dr. Tam. Tell cap'n Reynolds that, uh... that I'm goin'. An' thanks." And with a smile and another wave, he was gone.

Jayne was looking smug, heading up the stairs. Simon frowned. "You didn't have to scare him, Jayne," he called crossly.

"Oh, I sure didn't have to," Jayne replied. He grinned wickedly. "I jus' wanted to."

Though the first attempt had been met with little success, neither Simon nor Mal were ready to give up just yet. The second man they found for River was one she'd met on Persephone. They'd chatted briefly inside a boot shop; he'd made her laugh. With Simon's encouragement to River and Mal's none-too-subtle hints to the man himself, another date had been made.

When he brought her back to _Serenity_, both seemed in high spirits. River went off to spill all the details to Kaylee while Simon and Mal swarmed her date.

"So how'd things go?" Mal asked. "Y'all have a nice time?"

"Oh yeah, very nice," the man - Miles Brown - answered. "River's a hoot; we had ourselves a great time."

Simon nodded, smiling broadly. "Oh, good. Good! So does this mean that, you'd... like to see her again?"

"Oh, I'd love to see her again." Brown smiled apologetically. "But not in a romantic capacity."

Both other faces fell.

"Well why not?" Mal asked him stubbornly. "Somethin' wrong with 'er?"

He laughed. "I just don't think she was attracted to me. She's pretty as a gorram moonrise and smart as a whip, too. But we get along best as friends - with no agenda behind it. We might see each other next time your boat lands on Persephone, but it won't be for a date."

He left immediately after that, no doubt able to sense both the doctor's and the captain's displeasure. They had thought for sure that he was just what River would want. Still, they had one more trick up their sleeves. Zoe, eager to strengthen her remaining bonds after she lost her husband, had contacted a few of her old friends. One - a man who'd worked on-ship with her father - had a son around River's age. He'd enrolled in a prestigious university on one of the Core planets, and - according to Kaylee and Inara, at least - he was also very handsome.

So they'd set River up with Cal, hoping that maybe this time she'd see something in him that she'd like to see again.

Unfortunately, the date went exactly as Simon had feared.

Mal sighed. He, Simon, and River sat around the table after her latest unsuccessful date. "Let's go through it, then. All three boys you had some kind o' problem them. Mayhaps you're just too picky, albatross. So you didn't like Johnny because... ?"

"Too shy," River said simply. "Unattractive. Want a man with confidence."

Mal nodded. "Okay, guess I c'n give you that. But Brown? Y'all sure hit it off. What was wrong with him? Seemed like a nice fellow t'me."

"Then you may date him," she teased. "Want to remain friends, but he would not make an appropriate mate. He was too small - not physically appealing. Need a big, strong man: large arms to protect and hold, built sturdy enough to match me in a fight."

"Don't think anyone can match you, girl."

"I understand that, I think, River. But… but Cal?" Simon ran a hand through his hair wearily. "We saw him; while not enormous, perhaps, he was a big man. And he was polite a-and seemed generally good-natured. Smug, maybe but…" Simon looked at her helplessly. "Nice?"

"Nice, yes," River agreed, "but too smart. Could not accept that my intellect exceeded his. Need a man with common sense - but who can accept the girl's brilliance without feeling threatened."

"That's what you get for bein' a gorram genius, Albatross," Mal said proudly, his 'Captain Daddy' mode going full blast. But then he sighed. "Y'sure are specific. So lemme see. You want a confident, not-too-smart man who's big an' can fight?"

Simon squeezed his eyes shut, pulling on his hair with both hands. _'And let me guess,'_ he thought caustically, _'he needs to have a girl's name, as well.'_

As much as he didn't want to do it, there seemed to be only one option left. It was time to talk to Jayne.

* * *

Feedback and reviews encourage me to continue posting stories here.

Chapter five is coming... eventually. Yeesh. Heh.


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